Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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