I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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