question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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