mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Randomize
