help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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