It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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