Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
