Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
