I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
