I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
