I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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