An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
