I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
