I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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