The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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