What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
