today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
