her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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