Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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