my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
