K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
