Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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