he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Terrible idea I love it
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Randomize
