Just cropdusted the office
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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