He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
