My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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