I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
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