i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
