thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I want to fling myself into the sun
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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