Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
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