I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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