I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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