How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
