drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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