Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
