I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
