remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Randomize
