I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Randomize
