We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
