Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
