I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I just found puke in my bra..
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
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