I cannot find my penis.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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