Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
