Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
