it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
