did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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