Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
