someone get that fucking seahorse.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
