Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
