my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Randomize
