Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Randomize
